My mission is for you to exude wholeness on every level!
My mission is for you to exude wholeness on every level!
From Prayer to Continual Grounding
From Prayer to Continual Grounding
December 12, 2017
I was raised as an independent, fundament, bible-thumping baptist. Most of el biblio was taken literally. I didn’t dance, smoke, drink, or run with those who did. I was so damn good. Damn, I was a virgin the first time I got hitched….but that’s a story for another day, and another dollar!
I tend to stray.
After a lot of life experiences and such, I have come to understand a new way of being, if you will. I begin my story as being an independent, fundamental bible-thumping baptist, because that was my reality—it’s what I knew. In that reality, I was taught to do devotions daily. And I was taught that I should read the bible and pray during my time of devotion. And this I did. I did this faithfully for years and years and years and years and years! Yes, I read my bible and prayed every day for years and years and years. And I usually did this activity in the morning, before I began my day. And then of course, if something happened throughout the day, I may say a little prayer again. Then at mealtime, of course - thank god for this food for the hand that prepared it. But, I generally left it right there. When my morning devotions were finished—so was I. When my dinner prayer was finished—so was I. It was done as soon as my eyes were opened. I was finished praying…and that was that! And then of course, I was told that the holy spirit dwelt within me. But I never understood this either…well, to be honest, I still don’t understand how a spirit/ghost is dwelling in me. Shit—I never gave it permission to be there.
Anyway…as my journey would have it…there came a point in life when I just quit praying. There was no need. There is not god, right? So why am I talking to somebody I’ve never seen? Isn’t that a bit psychotic anyway? Talking to somebody you’ve never seen. I digress…
At this point in life I have a different perspective on prayer. Yes, yes I do. I don’t pray today, but I do “ground” myself. And this is a beautiful experience I want to share with you. I would love for you to share in this experience of grounding, so you too can have joy, deep deep within. Now, the word ground could mean many things for many people. Don’t quit reading because I chose the word ground and not pray. Oh, and don’t stop reading because I cuss. This only gets better, I promise! Read on…read on!
As I mentioned, I don’t pray today, but I do ground. And guess what? I don’t do this at a regularly scheduled interval at a certain place each day. I don’t do this, because I AM CONTINUALLY GROUNDING. Right? (I guess like that holy spirit is supposed to always be in me.) There is no reason that once I ground myself I have to stop that process. Don’t get me wrong now. Because that’s how this all began. I started grounding myself each morning. I had a particular spot and time I would do this. And it became annoying…it was annoying for several reasons: I felt like I had to be in that spot, I felt like it had to be a certain time…and on and on. And then if I didn’t have access to that space at that time, my entire day was fucked up. Oh. My. God! This was my reality; it was what I knew I should do. And then it dawned on me. And the funniest part it this: this is probably what the independent fundamental bible thumping baptist wanted me to learn about praying - it was never clear though, so: FAIL! Ha. But, I learned this: I am continually grounding. All day, every day. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am grounding. Yes, yes I am. I am grounding. You are too. You are continually grounding. Call it what you may, but it’s happening. It’s happening!
So, as I journey I place myself in a continual state of grounding. Therefore, I don’t need to fret about where I am when I feel like I need to “intentionally ground”.
Just imagine: everywhere you are, there you are grounding. And, it’s happening even when you’re not thinking about. You are connecting to the universe, rather you like it or not. Yes, yes you are. And there you have it: continual grounding.
December 13, 2017
I need a space where I can give. I need a space where I can receive. I need a space. Don’t we all need a space? You decide what your space is. Now that you’re in that space, let’s discuss how intentional grounding fits in with continual grounding.
Intentional grounding is a time when you give to the universe all that you can. This journey is positive. Everything is positive. Everything! I love intentional grounding! So what is it? Well, I begin by identifying traits. These traits could be positive traits or they could be traits that society has told you are negative. You know the traits you have that have been coined as bad: worrying, OCD, judgement, etc. Here’s an example: I’m really good at finding mistakes and pointing them out. You do something wrong, by god, I will find it and let you know about it. Yes I will. This behavior is not often one aspired to by masses. And people often point it out to me as being a negative trait. They say, “Why do you always find the negative stuff?” Well, damnit, because that’s who I am. That’s how I was made. And for gods sake—there is NOTHING wrong with that. There isn’t. There is nothing wrong with being judgmental! You know why? Because somebody needs that skill. Yes, somebody needs that. Maybe a judge who is making a serious decision today. Maybe he needs that extra dose of judgement (that I can release to him) in order for him to find the mistake and make the right decision. So, when I intently ground, sometimes I release that judgement. You see, as I continue to connect with the universe, I give the “roots” my judgment. And then, the roots, that are infinite in time-space, give my judgement to the human who needs. Yes, I release it as a positive. What society has tagged as negative trait and tried to tell me is bad…I have turned positive and provided it to a human who needs it. When I intentionally ground, I try to think of the environment I’ll be in (for that day) and release anything I won’t need for that space. I Well, you may ask, what about being an asshole? It’s just who I am. I’m an asshole. Well, then, join the club! I’m an asshole too! Aren’t most of us on occasion? Oh well, yes, we are because that’s how society has identified you. Or me. So, do you want to be an asshole? Honestly, some days I do. Ha. But most days, I release this assholishness. Yes, yes I do. And I release it to somebody who needs it. Who needs to be an asshole, you ask? Well, you know, those people you just wanna smack because they’re alway full of sunshine and cheer? Well, don’t you think that just once that particular person may need to be an asshole? Maybe just once they need to tell somebody no. Or maybe just once they need to tell somebody off. So, there you go. Release your inner asshole to somebody who needs it. Somebody does. And as you release it, accept it as part of you. And, accept is as a positive. It’s not a negative. Do not let society define you. Oh no. You define who you are. So, as you release these positive traits that are a part of you, accept and receive additional positive traits. Because you know, someday is doing the same thing somewhere else. Somebody else has released a trait that you need today. Grab it. Use it for your good. But also, hold onto you. Don’t let society drag you down and tell you that you’re not worthy. You are! We are! I am.
December 23, 2017
What is healing to you? How is it manifest in your life? Is it something you have to experience externally? Do you have to see it for it to be real? Or, is a healing something that you gain inside? What is a healing? Is it letting go? Is it receiving? Is it accepting you, just where you are, just as you are? What is a healing to you?
A new year! A restart?
A new year! A restart?
January 17, 2018
It’s a new year. Woo hoo! I’ve seen a lot of meme’s about starting the new year over in February. Such memes read as such: “I’ve decided that the new year will begin February 1st, January is a free trial month”, and “My goal for 2018 is to accomplish the goals of 2017 which I should have done in 2016 because I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2014…”
I wonder: what is held in a new year? Why do we quantify our lives? Why do we fall into societies norms and feel like we can only restart at a particular time in space (i.e., January)? No worries—we can restart at any time! So, I wonder how restarting aligns with reconnecting. Actually I question the basis of restarting. Is this necessary? Do we need to restart? Do we have to begin again every year? Do we have to begin again in February because we already "failed" in January? What actually happens with a restart? The origin of the word start is from Middle High German word “sterzen”: meaning to stand up stiffly or more quickly. So, why do so many peeps like to stand up stiffly or more quickly in January? Why do we need to restart? A restart indicates some type of failure (as do the memes above). This is the year of focusing on the positive. We are not failures. We are on a journey to find joy. In order to find joy it’s important to focus on the inside. You can only find authentic happiness if you have joy inside. As you continue to move forward on your journey—look the positive. Focus on the positive! And remember, you don’t have to restart. You are exactly where you need to be. And everything will work out perfectly!
It's so easy!
It's so easy!
January 24, 2018
Remember the feeling of mastering something? It’s so glamourous. It’s so wonderful. For example, the moment the adult in your life let’s your bicycle go (and there aren’t any training wheels) and you don’t even know it. And you’re gliding along with the wind blowing in your hair and you’re talking to that adult in your life who should be right next to you holding up your bicycle…and when there it’s a response (because they let go long ago) you panic and and and crash. You crash. Even though you were just bicycling all on your own. But you got back up and kept going. You mastered the bicycle! Or maybe some of us still haven’t, that’s cool too. But imagine something that you have mastered. What are you good at?
Another example is this: I have just gotten to a point in my hurried life-style that I can focus on my breathing. I practice this at various times throughout the day. And it’s such an amazing feeling to just sit back, take in a deep breath, hold it, release it…and let everything go! It takes all of my thoughts off of this external crap, and it allows me to just sit and be. Yes yes, you know what I’m talking about. Right? That moment! What experience have you mastered that has made you feel so glamours? Maybe you mastered something long ago that you forgot about. Look for you as a master. Yes, you’re a master!
And just that moment when you have mastered something that seems so simple….you lose it. Gosh dang it! As soon as I thought I had this all figured out, I can’t keep my damn focus on my breathing. It’s okay though. Yes, it’s okay. You know why? Because: it’s okay to NOT be okay. But you don’t have to sit with that for long. No. Remember, we are all one. Therefore, the master of breathing is within you. The master of ___________ (fill in the blank) is within you. Grasp back onto the master you are. Whatever it is that you’re trying to accomplish today will be accomplished! You know why? Because you’re a master. We are all one!
Message 1: Slow Down (Part 1 of 4)
Message 1: Slow Down (Part 1 of 4)
February 7, 2018
Over the next few weeks I’ll be taking time on Wednesday to write about the 4 messages.
Today is message 1: Slow Down. In this fast-paced world, I miss so much. So much goes by me that I don’t even know it. It’s amazing. And the faster I go, the more that zooms by, then the less I can grasp. This is alarming. Why? Because when I am on the go all the time, my body never has time to remain in its optimal state. So, when I slow down, I heal. When I slow down, I smell AND see the flowers. When I slow down, I hear. Have you ever heard something that you haven’t heard before? You won’t know until you slow down, and listen. You’ll hear.
What are some ways you can slow down? One thing I do is I breath. Yes, just breath. Focus on your inhale and exhale. Start out by focusing on one inhale and one exhale per day for a week. That’s a good start. Then maybe the next week you can do two deep breaths. As you focus on your inhale and exhale, allow the mind clutter to slip by the wayside. Focus only on the breath. This is not as easy as it sounds. But it’s also so damn easy. So, give it a shot. You’ll understand the easy/difficult juxtaposition.
I chose to slow down by taking public transportation to and from work. Yes yes. I ride the bus and I love it! It’s so fun. Firstly, I don’t have to get my blood pressure up by becoming angry at all the people I’d be racing in traffic. It’s so nice not to have to worry about that. The bus driver can annoy people now. Ha ha! Secondly, I get an hour to slow down! I can do whatever I want for one hour. So I read. I breath. I observe. I listen. I learn. I slow down.
When I do slow down I have greater access to my full operating system (Dispenza, 2017). And when I have greater access to my operating system, I’m more in tune with me. For a matter of fact, I have not been sick since I’ve “slowed down”. I attribute this to the fact that I am more aware of me and can rid dis-ease. Yes, I rid dis-ease before it arrives. Before it arrives? Yes, because I am in tune with me.
What steps will you take to slow down? Maybe for beginners you can begin breathing. Tomorrow on your way to work…do one inhale and one exhale. And while you do that, let go of everything else. It’s pretty awesome. Commit to yourself today that you will slow down. Write it down and tell yourself on a daily…slow down, slow down, slow down.
A reminder for message 1...
A reminder for message 1...
February 10, 2018
What an awesome reminder the source universe provides to us on this beautiful snowy day!
Message 2: It's okay to be foggy (Part 2 of 4)
Message 2: It's okay to be foggy (Part 2 of 4)
February 14, 2018
In other words, it’s okay to not be okay! But what is “okay”? Who defines your “okay" and your “not okay”? Is “okay” making it to work and through the day of work? Is that “okay”? Or is “okay” going above and beyond to meet all expectations that society has placed on you—whatever role you desire to play. Is “okay” doing half of your job? What is your “okay”? Again, I wonder who defines your “okay”?
I tell you what: I determine my okay. Yes, I determine my own “okay”. So, you must then determine your “okay”. Take some time to determine what is “okay” for you. What does that look like in a typical day for you? And then know that on days when you do not feel “okay” that’s perfectly acceptable. But, remember that when you don’t feel “okay” - it’s because YOU decided that. You decided that you’re not “okay”. Right? On the flip side of the coin: who determines your happiness and joy? That’s for another day…but are you in charge of that? Or is somebody else? Hm….
I’ve had enough with putting quotation marks around okay. So I’m not going to anymore, because that’s okay!
What do I do when I’m feeling foggy? One practice I do is “Intentional Grounding”. (You can find more on “Intentional Grounding” on this blog with the date 12/13/17). Intentional grounding allows me to release whatever it is that has me not feeling okay. And as I release that energy to the universe, I am able to move from okay to way way better!!! Also, when I feel foggy, I have to check in with me. Where am I placing my attention? Once I figure that out, I’m on the up and uppety up!
As you continue on your journey today, remember that it’s just as important to be in touch with why you’re not okay, as it is to be in touch with the fact that it’s okay to be feeling how you are. But remember, you’re in control of you. Yes, external factors have an impact on you, but ultimately, you control your destiny. You control your okay. So, how are you today? Are you “okay”?
Message 3: do nothing; look for nothing—you will see love and light (Pard 3 of 4)
Message 3: do nothing; look for nothing—you will see love and light (Pard 3 of 4)
February 21, 2018
So, I had just come out of some fogginess (see message 2). Things were on the up and up. I had a lot of wonderings. So, prior to getting on the table for my third healing session I decided I was going to ask my practitioner a few questions. I was specifically curious about “looking” for things and wondering how you find them. I wondered exactly “how do I look for love and light?” My wise practitioner turned to me and asked, “What did you do the weeks before to see love and light?” I paused and looked at my practitioner. He paused and looked at me. An answer had immediately popped into my mind, but it came so quickly, I was certain it was the wrong answer. So my eyes darted left to the wall, then up at the ceiling, and then finally to the floor. And I whispered, “I did nothing. I did nothing”. Wow. Am I that deserving? Am I that worthy? Yes, yes I am. You know why? Because I am love and light. You are love and light. So yes, I am that worthy. And yes, you are that worthy. Remember, you don’t have to do something to see the love and light. If you try too hard, it makes it worse. Just do nothing. Do nothing. I still don’t fully comprehend this. But I can do absolutely nothing and I’ll see love and light. Give it a try. Be in your awareness. Be nothing. Be nobody. Be nowhere. You will see love and light.
Message 4: we are all one (Pard 4 of 4)
Message 4: we are all one (Pard 4 of 4)
February 28, 2018
This time before I got on the table I was a bit annoyed with my surroundings. Ugh. Not completely ready for the experience. But what is ready? I was as ready as I needed to be for that time.
During my 4th session I feel like I went in and out of consciousness. Early on I felt like I was in a room with a bunch of people chattering about nothing. It was noisy and chaotic. Then I feel like I got hit by what seemed to be a football. The facilitator called it a ball of energy. This immediately brought me back to consciousness. I noticed several times through out this session that my arms/hands were moving/grasping for something. Only from my elbow down. Each time this happened I was awakened. Perhaps I'm not ready for what I'm reaching for. No. no. Perhaps it's not ready to be grasped by me? That's it. Ok.
After this session I saw a man standing on the corner with a sign asking for money. As I slowed at the stop light I looked at the man on the corner--which I often do. This time though, I saw something I had NEVER seen before. I saw me. It was me on the corner asking for money. I was shocked! How could that be me? Immediately the fourth message was brought to me: we are all one. We are all connected! That was me on the corner. And it was me driving and looking at that too. How is this you ask? Hell if I know! But I know that's what happened. And now I know we are all connected.
Some say we are connected by strings or strands. I believe we are all connected by mother earth. This brings me back to grounding. As we ground, our "roots" connect to everybody and everything. This makes me a master of all. This makes you a master of all. I just have to believe; you just have to believe.
We are all one! Yes, yes. We are all one.
Is life a script?
Is life a script?
March 3, 2018
The opportunity arose for me to attend some professional development this week around coaching and data driven instructions (DDI). Some information was meaningful and some was not. Like most things in life...right? I digress. This particular program of coaching and DDI has me write scripts and practice before I actually provide feedback on coaching or around DDI. I really struggled with this script writing on many levels. First off, it’s not authentic. Who ever writes a script before they do something? Not me! That’s SO not real. But I still attended the two days of professional development and I mostly participated in writing scripts and practicing—even though it was super strange and awkward and unauthentic.
Now fast forward to today. I’m on a walk with my dog. And I become aware of what I’m doing. You’d never believe it. I’m having a conversation in my head regarding a conversation I’m about to have. WHAT? I’m scripting a conversation? And... the script I was writing was so wrong. You know, I was writing a script that I already knew...and it wasn’t a good outcome.
Two things come to mind. One, how often to I unconsciously script my not good outcomes or my illnesses because that’s what I know? If I’m not aware of a different script...or the fact that my script is “not good”, I won’t be able to change any outcomes. I will remain in “not good” situations and/or stay ill. Who wants that? Raise your hand high so I can see it! Oh, nobody? Nobody wants to be down all the time? Nobody wants to be sick? Then then then get off your ass and change your script!!
The second thing that comes to mind is how powerful a script can be. This scripting professional development was authentic. I do script my outcomes. I wonder what unconscious scripts I write before I go into my coaching sessions and I wonder how that has an impact on the outcome of the sessions. I wonder then too, if actually scripting lessons will have a different outcome on learner achievement? Because, what do you script before you facilitate a lesson? Or, what do you script before you begin your day?
Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not stating that you should script everything you do. That will only turn you into a big piece of mass! Ha. You don’t want to be that. But become aware of what you’re thinking...or become aware of your script. And if things are how you want them, change your script. You’re in charge here. Not me. Not your partner. Not your kids. Nope. It’s you. You write your script. So, it’s either going to be authentic or not. Become a professional script writer so you can then deviate from the script with comfort and ease and balance. Yes, comfort and ease and balance. But you gotta know the script before you can change it.
The power of why
The power of why
March 8, 2018
What do I place my attention on? Nah! WHY do I place your attention there? Where is my attention right now? Nah! Why is my focus placed where it is right now? Why am I doing what I’m doing? Why? Why? The power of why….
Have you ever wondered? I do! Why am I here? Why am I doing what I’m doing? Why am I surrounded by the people I’m surrounded by? Why did I get put in this space at this particular time? Why am I writing this? Why am i content with what i have? Why am I me? The power of why….
Awareness: Recently I have noticed that I write “to” people. Then I remembered that we’re all connected. We’er all one, right? Right! So after I write, I change the tense to first person. I make it personal to me. It’s amazing how much I learn about me when I change to focus on me. Oh yes, taking care of self. Focus on me. Me me me me, me. I was taught to live a life of J.O.Y. Jesus first. Others second. Yourself last. That didn’t do much for me. But now I have me first with JOY in my center. I’m leading with real-life joy. Not J.O.Y., but JOY. It’s amazing. I would not be on this trajectory today if I didn’t ask why. And then when I began asking, people didn’t know. The power of why….
Look in the mirror and ask, “why?”.
A little tiny itsy bitsy teeny weeny….rock or gem?
A little tiny itsy bitsy teeny weeny….rock or gem?
March 19, 2018
The other day I was getting dressed and ready to leave the house. As I was completing my finishing touches, I noticed there was something in my shoe, AND it was annoying! I could feel it moving around: from the front of my shoe by my big toe, under my arch, over to my pinky toe. Oh. My. god. You know what I’m talking about. Well, I took my shoe off and turned it upside down and shake it so the rock would come out. Because this damn rock was taking all of my attention. That’s annoying.
I slipped my shoe back on so I could move about without the annoyance. But NO. This little tiny itsy bitsy teeny weeny little rock just wanted to be in my shoe so it could annoy the heck out of me a little bit longer. Ugh. Why is it still there? I slipped my shoe off again, this time, certain that I would be collecting this rock so I could cuss at it for not getting out the first time. And you better believe it - I found that damn rock. Yeah, I found that annoying little tiny itsy bitsy teeny weeny rock. You wouldn't’ believe how damn big that rock was. I could NOT believe that it hadn’t come out when I turned my shoe upside down and shook it. I mean, it must be SO humongous…
Now let’s bring this into reality. Ha! Check out the picture- that’s the stone I’m holding in my hand. Maybe you can see it, maybe. Yeah, do you see how small it is? But it was SO annoying to me. So annoying!! I found that I put my attention on something so small and made it WAY bigger than it was. Cuz this little stone, it’s just a little tiny itsy bitsy teeny weeny gem. You notice, it’s no longer a stone that’s irritating me and taking all of my attention. It’s a beautiful gem that was simply reminding me to slow down. Troy, slow down!!
I asked myself the following: what am I placing my attention on?
is it something that’s just little tiny itsy bitsy?
am I making things way bigger than they are?
what is my perspective?
it is a rock or a gem?
Good stuff. Good stuff. As you continue to connect, ask yourself these questions. Find out what you’re focusing on. And keep on keeping on!
An Un-Controlling Unknown Walk....
An Un-Controlling Unknown Walk....
April 4, 2018
I have my habits. I get up at a certain time everyday and I take the dog on a walk. I get home and I get showered and go to work. Then I do work all day (same shit, different day). Then I go home, get the kids, hang out with the wife and the go to sleep. Of course there are some difference throughout the day, but mostly that’s what it is. And then it all begins again the next day.
Since I’ve become more aware of my habitualness I have been challenging myself to exist more in the unknown. Why? Because I believe that’s where it happens. It’s all in the unknown. Right? If we already know it, then it’s nothing new. But, apparently, there’s nothing new under the sun. Well, let’s see what happened as I took an adventure in the unknown…
Trying to take baby steps because stepping into the unknown is frightful. Now it’s time for my first unknown experience. It’s time for me to experience the UNKNOWN. How am I going to do this? Well, I’m going to make it very simple the first time. I decided I was going to let my dog lead the way on a walk. That would be very unknown to me, and seems like it’d be pretty easy too. Right? Just follow the dog. I pretty much do that anyway. Ha! So, rather than walking across the street in our same old routine, I was gonna let him lead. We headed out the gate and he immediately wanted to go to the right. My immediate response: “Heck nah!” I pulled his leash to the same way we alway walk? WHAT? What am I doing? I had just decided the dog was gonna lead the way. As we crossed the street (in our regular old routine) I paused mentally so I could become aware of what was going on in me. Why did I need to lead the dog on the walk? I had just said he was going to lead me. We kept on walking…the normal way. Since my first attempt at the unknown didn’t work, I figured I would lead the way and let the dog sniff as much as he wanted to and for as long as he wanted to. Ya know, cuz I had a lot of time this day. So, we kept walking on our normal path. The first time he stopped to sniff, I was aware. I let him sniff. And sniff. And sniff. And sniff. And sniff. And he kept sniffing. Seemed like it was for hours. I let him sniff until he was ready to go. That was really unknown. I had no idea how long it was going to be. Finally he stopped sniffing at this particular spot and we moved on to the next sniffing spot. I wondered how long he was going to sniff at this new spot. Oh my. Way too long again, I'm sure. But, who is determining if it’s too long or not? Oh, me. I’m determining that. So again, what is going on in me? Why am I feeling anxious about this? Even though I had just determined he was going to sniff as long as he wanted to, I still felt anxious about it. I could feel my heart beating faster…my brain was going 100 miles an hour about everything I had to get done….it was crazy. So, I pulled on his leash - let’s move on. Oh man. Why? Why did I do this again? What’s wrong with the unknown for me? Why can’t I be here? We kept walking, and now I was in charge again. It was now a known walk. But I couldn’t keep doing that because I was walking to be in the unknown. So, I was determined to let him lead the walk the rest of the way home. Yup, stop and sniff as much as you want. You know, cuz at this point I could see the house. We were well on our way back home. So, he stopped and began sniffing again. But this time he was not only sniffing, he was licking too. I had decided if I didn't "look" at him sniffing it may not make me as anxious. But since he was licking too, I looked to see what was going on. And so I'm pretty sure he licking up some other dog pee. DISGUSTINGNESS! GROSSNESS TO THE MAX!! As I noticed this, I yanked his leash AGAIN. “Let’s go, that’s disgusting!” Yet again, I was not able to stay in the unknown. Why? What is going on inside? What's going on outside of me?
Well now… After a lot of reflection, and I mean A LOT, I found this: I control. And not only do I control, but when I control, I don’t see people as people. I see people as “pawns” if you will. Because I can control pawns. Wow. Wow! Yeah, I got all this from taking my dog on an un-controlling, unknown walk. If there is such a thing….
So I ask you: what are your habits? what is your unknown? what will you do to open yourself up to the unknown? Find something unknown. Open yourself. Receive. Reflect. You too will find wholeness in your journey. Wholeness! As you open to the unknown, you will become less mass and more energy! Shine your light of energy! Shine on.
What if it weren't so?
What if it weren't so?
April 11, 2018
***Disclaimer: I wrote this back on the 7th. I let it sit for a few days because I felt like my motives were not right when I wrote it. And, that’s about me...and "me" shouldn’t matter.***
Right. So, what if it weren't so? Is it so if I’ve never known it?
Most people I know are public school educators. I have never hung out with psychics and/or astrologers. Ya know, I just wasn't there in life. And now, I have an amazing opportunity to hang with some pretty cool peeps. These peeps identify themselves as astrologers and psychics. And these peeps believe the stars and moons and planets have an impact on my behavior. But I wonder. I wonder if that weren’t so. What if I didn’t “know” that the stars and moons and planets could have an impact on me? Right? What if I never knew Mars went into retrograde? Does it really though? Or is it an illusion. Either way, I never knew it (up until now). Therefore, when Mars was in retrograde I was unaware of such a thing. And, I was unaware that people began to act differently when Mars was in retrograde. I was unaware of the impact that Mars and the stars and the moons had on me; I was unaware the impact it had not he people around me. I was unaware of the impact that Mars had on so many things. It’s crazy...so they tell me. Apparently this retrograde illusion even has an impact on the ocean waves. That now, that makes sense though. The ocean, it’s part of the universe. And, so am I. I am part of the universe too. So, how does this impact me? Or does it? What if it weren't so? Is it so since I've never known it?
Since I was unaware of Mars being in retrograde, does that mean it wasn’t? Let’s find out. Maybe it’s all a bunch of shit. Maybe when people say, “As above, so too below”, it’s a crock. And people have just said that in order to allow themselves to act a certain way for a certain time period when it appears that Mars is moving backwards. Do you get that? Is it within us to act like this? Or have these behaviors been created by Mars retrograde? Or, has society just found a way to justify some shit? Because now I can act a certain way when Mars is in retrograde, because I CAN, right? I just can now. I have a reason for it. And the reason is this: Now I know. Now I know...yes, now I know. And now I have a reason to have certain behaviors. Now, there's a reason not to be in control of myself. This makes sense on some level...but not on so much on so many other levels....
So, where do I put my awareness now that I know this? Where is it? Do I focus on the exterior and find spaces that society has “created”? And then act accordingly? Ha. Yes, I can find a reason for everything, I’m certain. Yes, yes I can. So where is my awareness as I learn these new things?
And as I wonder about my awareness, I wonder when I turn in-ward? When do I turn inward and see? Not simply looking at me per se. But looking inward to see. Just looking to see. And then, what do I see? What is inside of me? What is my attention on? Am I looking where society has created peaceful spaces? So I can exist there? Or am I looking for other spaces? If so, what space am I seeking? My goodness. My goodness. What do I focus on? Do I focus on what I know? And if that’s the case, then how do I get out of that? Oh, need I learn more? Yes yes. Knowledge, they say, is power. Oh, so I need to learn more so I may exist outside of the spaces that I know. Ah. Where will I place my awareness then? When I know something new, where will I place my attention? On the new thing? Yes yes. Not on me. Not on me. But on the unknown. What will happen? I need not learn more! Oh, but there is nothing more to learn.
As I look for something new or try to learn something more, I’m relying on the mind, and on knowledge. It’s important to know. Yes. But I digress. When I’m in the mind space, I’m not operating from the heart. My mind sees society as a big chess game and people are pawns. But, but my heart. My heart. My heart sees humans. There is nothing new I need to learn. Nothing. I just need to be. Be from the heart. When I see from the heart, I see you. When I see from my mind, I see me and a game I must win. I will focus on seeing from my heart. Yes, seeing and being from the heart and not the mind.
So, I wonder for you today:
Where is your awareness? Where is your attention? What do you focus on? How do you move out of what you know onto something unknown Something better? And finally, what if it weren't so? What if everything you know-what if it weren't so?
From playing games to dancing....
From playing games to dancing....
April 19, 2018
Games have rules and rules are made to break. Yeah, break the rules! Games have absolutes. You know, for most games players can do certain things and players better not do other things. For example, in football, a player better not grab a face mask of another player. Never, under no circumstance. Also, In a game, there is generally a winner and a loser; there is competition. Another example: in basketball you can get 1 point for a free throw, two points for a regular shot, and three points for a 3-pointer. WOOT WOO! And all games have an outcome: to win! Not many people go into a game wanting to lose. Right? I’ve watched a lot of games in my years of life. And all the games I’ve watch have winners and losers. All the games I’ve watch have rules. And if you break the rules, you may get “thrown out” of the game. Also, players retire from “the game”, right? Many of the legends have retired and been placed on pedestals, just to be forgotten the next day. Or, maybe we remember a few of their great moves... Needless to say, the next great player comes along...to win...to be placed on a pedestal. The cycle continues. The games are simply that: games. They’ll be forgotten…you’ll win some, you’ll lose some. It’s a game.
This I wonder then: when did life become a game? Think about it. It’s complete bullshit. To hell if I’m abiding by rules another man has placed on me. I’m not living a life to get “thrown out” when I break the rules. Also, I ain’t looking to retire from a game of life anytime. Nah, I’m not about playing a game anymore. Anymore is the key word here. I was trained (as were you) to play the game. Oh yes I was. And I can play that game! I got the life game down! Yup, and when I saw my life game, I saw a big game of chess. Yeah - a game with lots of rules and a lot of strategy. And the rules and strategies were all in my mind. My mind works pretty damn well. I mean, I did get my doctorate! Ha ha. I digress. Anyway, while I was playing this game of life I was the king in the game and everybody else a pawn. Mind you, I had a queen, a few rooks, a bishop and some knights around me helping me win, that’s for sure. And I am a winner of the life game! Yeah, I can play the game to the T. I’ve mastered the game of life. I know the rules and I can abide by them. Life has become such a game that people hire life “coaches”. Yup, turn to the internet and search it up: life coach. What did you find? They’re all around you. This life as a game metaphor is TOO MUCH. It must end. I’m not playing a game anymore. I’m dancing!
Certainly, there should be no metaphor for life. Simply put: Life is, and I am. But, so long as we live in the past, there we shall exist.
How did I get out of the game? First, I had to realize I was living the game. But now, now I’m dancing! Let’s begin by dancing! Dancing, from my experience, is less contained, per se. For example, when you’re dancing, you may need to follow some particular steps, possibly, depending on what dance you’re doing. There may be basic guidelines for most dances. But ultimately, there is freedom in dancing. Right? You can add to the dance. You can be creative. Actually, you can make your own dance. You can combine many dances to make your own multi-faceted dance. Or, you can combine moves that aren’t even considered dance moves at all and begin dancing. This dancing outside of the game or life or contained box is coming from my heart. You know, in the game of life when my mind led me, there was no dancing...because with that game mindset and my mind leading there me there is a right and wrong way to dance. But this dancing that I’m doing now, this dancing that I’m talking of comes straight from the heart. It’s so beautiful. When I dance I see human as humans, not as a pawn. Each human is just that: a human. I’m not a king and you’re not a pawn that I need to get out of my way to win. You’re me. I’m you. We’re all one. Dance the night away. I wonder where my dance will lead me? I wonder where my heart will take me? I’m dancing!
Begin dancing. Dance. Dance. Dance!!
I ain’t here to play a game no more. I’m here to dance!!
May 1, 2018
Yes yes yes! I found the answer. Are you ready for this? It is THE answer to all of life’s questions. Yes, yes, this is THE answer. You may have been waiting and searching for this answer for a long time. I know I have been. I have been looking and searching for THE answer for almost as long as I am old…so that is a long time! Yes, yes, it’s been a long time! Are you ready for this long awaited answer? Let’s find out…
Before I share THE answer, let’s take a deeper look at society. I suppose I’m ultimately taking a deeper look at me, right? Because I am society. As are you. We are society. As I look at me, I consider my upbringing, my reality. I consider what impact my reality has on my thoughts. And as I have been searching for the answer I came to find that I like to control. How does control connect to THE answer? It’s simple: if I desire an answer I seek control. Because with an answer, there is an expectation, right? And with expectation come failure, possibly. And then this expectation arises from a need to control. So, as I consider my life, I noticed a need to control. And I wonder why this has not been addressed. Why is it that control has not come to the forefront of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? I wonder if society recognizes control as a part of our basic needs what impact that may have. I just wonder.
Society has had control engrained in our minds for centuries. For thousands of years this has been told to us: We must control to be happy. But not like that. It’s been through patriarchal societies. The Bible. Some religions perpetuate this message today by not allowing women to speak. Yes. You know who you are. Those who silence you. Oh. You control. Understand this and you will be free.
As I continue to explore life I see how much I try to control. It’s a lot, that’s for sure. So, as I evolve, I am letting go. There is no need to control. No. There is no need. Just let it be. It will all work out perfectly. Yes, yes it will. It will all work out perfectly. I understand the need for balance, it’s important. So as I let go and be, I balance it. Keep things balanced, yes the balance.
Are you ready for this now? Are you ready for THE answer? It’s quite simple actually. But, please, make sure you’re sitting down. Because this is good. You know, this is the long awaited for answer. We’ve all been waiting for it. And I’m about to share it with you. So, here we go. THE answer that you’ve been waiting for for so long is this… Wait wait wait. Drum roll please. Ok ok. Now I can tell you. THE answer is this: THERE IS NO ANSWER.
Really? you may ask. How could that be? How could there be no answer? Well, I could tell your, but then there would be an answer. So, it’s for you to find. Why is THE answer that there is no answer?
Am I alive-alive?
Am I alive-alive?
May 17, 2018
It seems so simple. And and and…it is!! Yes, yes! It is. It’s that simple. So then why if it’s SO damn simple don’t I do it more frequently? Hm. Let’s find out. Let’s explore…let’s play!
In order to be alive, I’m pretty sure I must breathe…or so I’m told. Although this is the case, I often find myself literally not breathing. Have you ever? I mean, I’m not like on the floor dead not breathing or anything of the such. I’m just not breathing. For example, I found myself sitting at a red traffic light the other day observing those around me. Simply observing. And as I brought my awareness back to what was going on within me, I realized that I wasn’t breathing. I was just sitting there observing. Literally…not even breathing. I now wonder this: how often am I not breathing? So, today I have a timer set every hour to remind me to breathe. I’m not just talking about the breathing-to-be-alive breathing; I’m talking about taking deep breaths to be “alive-alive”. By “alive-alive” I mean an awareness. Aware of what? you may ponder. Well, an awareness of what is around me. An awareness of all five senses. An awareness of my breathing. An awareness of love, of energy, of life. An awareness of what is going on inside me. An awareness of others. An awareness of peace, of joy.…
So, today I will inhale, I will hold the breath, and then I’ll release the breath. You see, there’s no technique to this breathing (I mean I have to inhale and exhale to breathe, right?). I’m simply bringing intentional awareness to my breathing in order to get my juices flowing. There’s no setting an intention. There’s no counting to 5. Nothing like that. I’m just breathing. The benefits of breathing are undeniable. So, join me on the path to wholeness! Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's time to play!
It's time to play!
June 17, 2018
Yes yes. Everyday is another day to play. My life should be a playground and it’s going to be. Yes, yes it is. I have noticed that when I think too much about something, it fucks it up. Ha! For example, when I think, or look for, or have an expectation for something, it seems to limited my play time. And ultimately, this limitation is created by my own mind. And then this limitation trickles down to decisions I’m making. So, I’m going to work through this! I’m going to create a play-space for my life.
As an adult I feel that my life should be full of play. I’m often reminded how important play is for kids. I mean, society has created play therapy, play grounds, play dates, play-this and play-that. When kids play, they smile, they laugh from the deepest spaces of their gut. They’re whole. They’re being. They’re in the moment. But now as an adult, shit, I don’t get to play? That is not okay. It’s not. I should still be able to play everyday! Because when I get to play…I smile, I laugh from the deepest space of my gut. I’m whole. I’m being. I’m in the moment. And when I don’t get to play, it get’s bad. It is. It becomes yucky and messy and things get all outta whack. And that is not fun. So here I go!
Firstly, I need to be aware that I limit myself. I create the outcomes in my space. For example: if I think too hard about how to work with the learners in my classroom, I often find that the lesson is crap. I’m not advocating that I shouldn’t plan for my classes. I’m simply indicating that when I think too hard, it takes away the joy. Why did I become an educator? So I can support others in finding joy and success. And I need to remember that leading others to joy and success is my joy—it’s my playground. Teaching is where I can play. And when I play, I’m happy. So I will continue to play as an educator. Again now, don’t get me wrong. I will plan for my learners, but I will not over plan to the point of taking away my own playground!
Another example of thinking too hard is about my relationship. If I think too hard about how to respond or how to engage with talking to my wife, it’s messes it up. I make it difficult because I think too hard about it. My relationship is a playground too. I shouldn’t think too hard about it. But again, I need to find a balance. I can’t live life with no expectations, but I can live in the present. Therefore, I’m not brining my reality, or one that maybe somebody else created for me, with me into my future. Yes, yes. I’m creating newness. This leads right into the second thing I’m going to work on.
The second thing is this: just be. Yes, just exist in the present. This is not an easy feat, but an important one to develop. As I continue on my journey of wholeness and living in the present, I seek alternatives. For example, I know one thing. You know another thing. Both are right. Or maybe both are wrong. Either way, there is a third, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth...well, I need to understand there are limitless possibilities for me. Many of which I cannot even think of. Why? Because, back to the first point—I limit myself. I need to think bigger. I need to think better. I feel like I can think bigger and better when I’m not limited by my own reality and when I’m living in the present.
I’m excited about living my life on a playground. This is going to be fun. This will bring me more wholeness. Will you join me on the playground? Woot woo! It’s time to play!!
A shit storm...
A shit storm...
June 22, 2018
How do I, in the midst of shit storm, remain whole? Or…ha ha…do I?
Let me tell ya ‘bout yesterday: I’ve been waiting on some new glasses for about a month now. And specifically I’ve been waiting for this one little piece of the puzzle. Well, this piece of the puzzle finally arrived and come to find out, it’s broken. After spending about, oh let’s say, 45 minutes on the phone, I found out that it’s going to take another 3-5 business days for the proper puzzle piece to arrive. Now, do you think I like to wait for my glasses? Hell no! Do you think I like to be jerked around and told that the broken puzzle piece is going to take 3-5 MORE days? Hell no! But ya know what? Everything works out perfectly! Yes, yes it does. I’m not sure why I have to wait, and keep waiting, but it’ll all work out perfectly.
In another matter: I’ve been waiting for three days now for a particular document. I was told on Monday that this document would be finished Monday night. It wasn’t. So I checked again on Tuesday....still not finished. I was promised that this document would be ready by Wednesday FOR SURE! Was it? Ha ha ha. Nope. So then yesterday, mind you, three business days AFTER I should have this document, I kindly reminded them. They have been super busy all of the sudden. Ok. Cool. But I paid you some money to do something. So please do it. Next step: kindly call the main number of the company. You know what? I was immediately connected to the owner of the company. This dude took complete ownership of a screw up and promised the work to me in two hours. This dude was pretty awesome. If anything, this made me realize there are still humans in the world with integrity.
Hm. Integrity. What an interesting thing it is.
So, what do I do in the midst of a shit storm? Well, at one point, I sat in my car and screamed at the top of my lungs. That seemed to help a bit, but I’m not really certain. At another point, I just sat down. Now as I write, I’m remembering that I should reflect on the 4 messages. Specifically the first one: SLOW DOWN. Slow down...
And now as I write this I learn about another storm brewing…
It's the next day now, or today, however you'd like to look at it....And the shit storms have passed. And guess what? Me getting stressed yesterday, or me yelling, or me getting cranky (I don't think I mentioned that above) didn’t help or hinder any of the outcomes of my shit storms. Nah, my actions did not control the outcomes. **More later on control**
But for today, I want to realize that it’s a new day. I made it through the shit storm. And now that I can see clearly. I understand that it wasn’t even a shit storm. I created it. I need to continue to remove me from situations. I was feeling badly for me. Ah…poor me. Right? No. I need to remove me from the situation. Because if this wasn’t about me, per se, there would be no shit storm. Right?
So I need to work on removing me from situations - because it’s NOT about me. And I need to work on thinking bigger…Thinking bigger is about "opening" my perspective. I only know what I know. In order for me to know more and to know differently, I have to see thing from a larger perspective. Somebody once told me, "Troy, you see so small" and another person said, "Troy, you have such a limited perspective." I have to quit limiting what I see as possibilities. There is so much out there…but I must be whole. Yes, wholeness is the key.
In closing, I am reminded of my grounding and intentional grounding practices that I mentioned earlier in my blogging. I’m certain if I would have practiced either of these two forms of grounding, I would have able to feel a bit better yesterday during my shit storm…or I may have even realized earlier that there was no shit storm. I was making it all up....
July 9, 2018
Has anybody ever told you “I can’t wait to get old because old people say whatever the hell they want to say”? Well, I have. On several occasions actually. Since I’ve been told this so often, I began to explore the idea in my own life. Not that I’m an old person or anything, per se. I’ve just been exploring “saying what I’m saying", if you will. Some people may refer to it as speaking my mind—what the old person does. But I don’t even think it's that. Here’s what I’ve noticed in the last few days…
I’ve noticed that I do a lot, A LOT, of self talk, or internal dialogue. I say things in my mind before I say them out loud. And when I say things in my mind before I say them out loud here's what happens:
- I laugh a lot to myself.
- I tend not to say a lot out loud.
- Or if I do say it out loud it’s a modified version.
Now as I continue to evolve, I have noticed this internal dialogue…what have I noticed? I have noticed that if I have this internal dialogue, it limits outcomes. Why? Because I have a preconceived idea of an outcome, so in some form or fashion, I turn the outcome toward my internal dialogue. This defeats the purpose of just being. Right.
I’m going to try to quit thinking so much about everything before it happens…and live more in the moment. I want to be. I want to exist in the moment, in the given situation. Without any constraints. Without my limits being placed on the moment, or on the outcome.
So this brings me back to old folks. I don’t think people who have matured with time necessarily “speak their mind”. I feel like the more I evolve, the more I understand my mind and its doings. Therefore, as my mind becomes more still and as I just be…what I say does not need to be “internally dialogued” before it is said. Why? Because I’m beginning to understand that what I say is received however it may be, no matter how I deliver it. So, with that, I journey forward toward freedom. I evolve with being and existing in the present.
Get even. Just do it!
Get even. Just do it!
July 16, 2018
As I observe, I see a lot of people wanting to get even. Some people want to get even with a partner for hurting their feelings. Others people want to get even with the government for taking all of their money in taxes. Others want to get even with their boss for making them stay late at work. And others want to get even with the driver that just cut them off in rush hour traffic. I see this all around me. And I think it’s so terrible. So awful. Right? It is. It’s just disgusting!
And then I listen. While I listen I realize I’m that person. I’m the person who wants to get even. That’s me. Yup. That’s me. I want to get even. Needless to say, how can I condemn such a thing (in my mind OR out loud) if it’s part of me? How? Great question! Let’s explore!
As I continue on my journey of becoming whole I’m learning to listen. Not only listen to those around me, but to my own mind. Why do I listen to my mind? Because my mind is always going more than 100 mph. That’s pretty damn fast. So, I’ve been trying to quiet my thoughts, while simultaneously being still. In an attempt to be still myself, I hear my 100 mph mind garble. And it’s a bunch of shit. But, I found something awesome in my garble the other day. I discovered that the VERY thing I put on other people (like don’t get even with me type of stuff) is the exact things that I need to be working on. 😮 Exactly - surprise face emoji!
Now this is deep shit though. Are you ready for it? Are you ready for this? Because, I didn’t just sit there and come to this conclusion. This took a lot A LOT of time. And it’s still progressing and I’m sure I’ll get more from it. I’m going to continue to learn. But let me tell you something: my get evenness tactics do not even have an impact on the other individual…not immediately anyway, if ever. I discovered that my get even tactics do more harm to ME than to the other individual. Now you see what I’m talking about? Deep shit! I’m hurting me in an attempt to get even with another individual? Cray cray!
And now I grow. And now I learn. Now I sit with this part of me that wants to get even. And I discover why it’s there. I discover what it’s doing. I accept that it’s part of me. As I do this, I can let it go. I can let go of this. Now, you may be wondering how can I just let go of that. And I’m not saying that this is “gone” by any means. This is still something that I have the pleasure to explore. I believe as I continue to explore this and go deeper with it I’ll be able to discover the joy of letting it go. I’ll have a deeper understanding of why I want to get even. I’ll have a greater understating of my thought process and how I can be still with a quiet mind, in the beauty. That’s the beauty. When my mind is not forecasting anything on the current situation and when it has let of the past, and when it is simply living in the present—that is beauty!
Be. Be beauty. Be whole.
alive AND dead
alive AND dead
August 6, 2018
Today I was out and about exploring in a local park. While I was exploring I noticed a particular tree. This tree drew me in because it’s alive and dead. I was intrigued and wondered how this tree could be both. As I continued along my exploration I was drawn to a particular spot in the grass that was dead…..but right around the edges of the dead spot the rest of the grass was SO alive. So the grass: alive and dead.
As I began listening to what was going on in my mind, I realized I was questioning the very thing that I just saw: an alive AND dead tree and alive AND dead grass. How could I be questioning reality? How can I question what I see as real? As I began to explore this more, I realized that since I had never been introduced to this idea of something being “dead AND alive” it wasn’t something that could occur in my limited perspective.
Alive and dead: what does this mean for me? This makes me wonder how I exist in this plane. What about me is alive? What about me is dead? My immediate response is that my mind is SO alive and active all the time, but my heart. How is my heart. I checked in with that!
Now, rather than questioning the very reality put in front of my face, I have the opportunity to explore how this reality is impacting me on a daily. How can I become less “mind-alive” and be more “heart-alive”? So, shall I “dead” my mind? Nah, I need to find that perfect balance. Yes yes. Explore what is alive in you and sit with that. Explore what is dead in you and sit with that. Finally, explore how you can open your mind to new. I learned today that I can be alive and dead AT THE SAME TIME. What? What? I’m alive and dead?
Have an amazing day though, because we all deserve amazing!
August 26, 2018
Have you ever just stepped back and watched yourself? When I do that to me, it’s pretty fucking funny. Let me explain:
This weekend was serving at a healing fair. And as I continue to evolve, I try new things that I read about or hear about And I’ve really been into watching myself. But I always forget about. I’m trying to be more aware of it. What a perfect safe space to watch me then at a healing fair? So, I’m in this space of watching myself. I think some may refer to it as being the observe AND the observer? While I was doing a healing, I decided to put a little me up there in that corner to watch me. I wanted to see what I did when I was doing a healing. Well, god. That didn’t really happen. So I did. I started watching me. Creepy…..but here is what unfolded. As I continued the healing I began wondering if I was doing it right. I was wondering if that me up there would laugh at me because I didn’t “do it right”. Oh. My. God. If that’s the feeling I give myself by watching me, what the fuck may I vibrate to other people? Holy knock me off my pedestal. Well, not exactly have I been knocked off, but I did finally get the “observer” me to sit down. Do you hear me? Did you see where I put the “observer” me in the first place? Yeah, I put him “up” in the corner. Well, nobody puts baby in the corner…but that’s not what I’m speaking of. I put the “observer” me “up". That is certainly part of why the observe me was wondering if I was doing the healing right. Ya know, if there’s somebody “up there” watching us, we’re gonna be nervous. Well shit. I finally got that mother fucker to come on down. Yeah, he sat down. And then I think I was done with that for a minute. It was a lot. And there are so many additional thoughts swirling through my head about this…but I’ll speak of that later (maybe).
This brings me to my next understanding. And I didn’t realize this until I was processing all that stuff up there about the “up” “observer” me (like all the quotation marks? Ha ha). Here it is: It was brought to my attention once getting really annoyed at somebody for over-watering a plant to the point that water was running everywhere. I was so annoyed that this person was SO dumb they would do this. And not only that, they walked away and didn’t realize water was running everywhere. So, I had to clean that mess up. I really thought this human must be silly as…well, straight up dumb. Who does that? Who overwaters a plant and then just walks away?
Fast forward to today. I’m watering the plants as I do on the weekend (and now just realize they’re all in the same place still….ugh) and I hear this little dripping noise out the side of my head. I’m like, “What the heck is that?” My ass looks as the watering can I’m holding, “Nope, no dripping here.” By now the sound has increase to a constant drip, or shall I say….pouring sound. What on earth could that be? You know, I’m not so dumb to overwater plants. Nah, I wouldn’t do that. But no, I did just that. And not only did I overwater any plant…it was the SAME GOSH DANG PLANT in THE SAME GOSH DANG PLACE that the other person overwatered who I was so mad at. What the heck is going on here? Well, I feel as though I’m discovering that I can do anything that anybody else can do. Yeah, I’m “silly” too. But let’s not leave it there at the silly. Let’s take it to the next step. Let’s say that if I can do the same silliness, I can do awesomeness too. And, my awesomeness will not be limited by what other people have done that’s awesome. Right? I can move, we can move, YOU can move, to bigger and greater things.
These two experiences have brought me so much joy today. I’m so glad I was able to attend the healing fair this weekend. I sure did receive a lot. I did. I need to remember that I’m not better than anybody else. I’m not. I can do the same thing you do. Yeah, rather it’s brilliant or not…I can do it. I can be brilliant and beyond too. I can.
So, as I move forward this week I’m going to bring my ass “down" to watch me. And, I’m going to be aware that I can do anything you can do but I can do it better. Ha. Not really. But I’m going to focus on my reactions to what others do…but understanding that I could be doing the same thing. Yeah. It’s all good. Peace. Love. Happiness…and wholeness. Be whole. Be Love. Be a noun. Can you be a noun? More to come on that another day……..peace!
September 28, 2018
Happy happy day! I love growth. How about you? And when I am growing mentally, spiritually, emotionally—it’s amazing. When I grow spiritually, it’s beautiful. It’s not painful. It’s the exact opposite. The growth process is pleasurable—because I’m growing. I’m so tired of hearing everybody talk about how I have to experience “pain” before I grow. This is utter bull shit! DO NOT BELIEVE IT. I am growing everyday, and it’s only beautiful. You see, you get what you get. If you think you have to have pain to grow, you’ll get pain. You will. And, I just wonder where that pain comes from. What pain am I currently experiencing? What causes my pain? As I reflect on these questions, I realized that the pain is all made up in my damn mind. What the? Yeah. You heard me. I make my pain up. I do. It’s all inside me. My mind goes and goes and goes and since I’ve always been told that pain is associated with growth, I find pain because then I grow. BULL SHIT! Flip the script. FLIP IT. It’s up to you. It’s up to me. I flipped my script and everyday I experience happiness, joy, wholeness, love and light. AND I’M GROWING. Yeah, don’t believe that stuff about pain=growth. That’s something I’ve been told simply to make me experience pain. Stupid shit.
And, maybe there is pain in growth in humans. I remember a growth spurt I had and it was a bit painful…but this is EXTERNAL. I’m speaking of the inside. I’m speaking of the subconscious level—the place the “pain” comes from.
I found that my pain is al from the past. Right? I experience pain because somebody WAS mean to me. I experience pain because I remember how somebody intentionally HURT me. It’s all “back there”. Now, how do I let that shit go? Great question! Great great question. There are a lot of ways to let this shit go. One way I suggest is listed below in a blog called Intentional Grounding from December 3, 2017. Check it!
Another way I let go of shit is by just sitting with it. I look at it wholly like I would a beautiful flower. I look at its entirety. Then I hold it like I would a beautiful flower. As I hold it and look at it, I don’t let any other thoughts come in between me what I’m holding. You can’t let anything come in between you and this beautiful flower. Then, then, then that very word—the essence of the word—whatever it is you’re holding—will totally end. Yes, it will. For example, I sit with pain. I look at it wholly. I hold it. And now, I can “hold” this pain as long as I want to. It’s my mind. Or, I can let it go as quickly as I want to. It’s my subconscious. I don’t need time. I don’t. It’s not like the external healing of a wound. This is in ma and it can be gone instantaneously. And then you are whole. Yes. Be whole. Be complete. You are wholeness.
Another idea I have of letting things go is: How to be a noun. Realize you are that. Then, let your mind be completely attentive to that. Complete attention. As you attend to being whatever it is you’re being…it will go. It will. Here's an example. I have this idea that I must be in a relationship. Right? I like to have somebody around to chat with, etc. And this was really annoying me. I couldn't figure out why. So, I became it. I am "relationship".
Now, find a way that works for you. I provided you with a few tools…but it’s up to you to change. It’s up to me to change. Will you be that change. Will you make your growth positive? Let go of the script that says “you experience pain for growth” and write your own script that will make you whole. And this is instantaneous. It's within...you don't need external time-space. Peace and love!
There is no love!
There is no love!
October 30, 2018
Oh my. This is a big one. But it’s easy. Don’t worry! Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? Do you know which language is your language? Do you know which language your partner has? Have you ever been to counseling to “fix” a situation that has to do with love? Argh! I believe “love” is societies way of making an extra buck or two. Let me explain…
As a member of the universe I feel that my number one occupation is to seek reality. And right now, reality to me is something I can see, or touch, or feel. Sometimes it’s more than one (I can see, touch and feel), sometimes it’s only one (I can see it). So, for me, my senses have to be involved in order for something to be real. This is just me…where I am…right now in life!
On that note, I’ve never seen, or touched, or heard, or smelt, of tasted love. Nope. Never. Have you? And if you have, was it an isolated experience? Or is it ongoing? If it’s ongoing for you, please reach out to me ([email protected]). I’d love to learn more about it. Where I’m going with this is that there is no love. Love was created to make money. Yup, it is a money maker. Yup—love is not real! I feel like a lot of “noun” words are not real. Ah, maybe somebody created the words to describe what they were seeing…but it would have been better to just leave it at what they were seeing. You know, just see. Just be!
Now, before you get all mad at me and throw a tantrum (a tantrum is real—I’ve seen many of them—ha!) let me explain where I’m going with this…..
I’m at a spot in life where I’m looking for a lot of shit. And a lot of the shit I’m looking for—I don’t think is real. So, rather than seeking love in life right now, I seek to respond adequately to situations. Let me share an example of somebody else responding adequately to the situation. The other day I saw a vehicle that was in the turning lane, but not all the way in the turning lane. The butt of their car was sticking out into the drive by lane. Many people were honking at this person...because it was annoying that this person was 1/2 in the turning lane and 1/2 out. Right? So I watched as everybody honked. It was crazy. Then the next thing that happened was this car pulled forward to get completely into the turn lane. This caused them to have to actually pass the turn they wanted. My first thought was this: it must be a weak person. And thank the universe for being in my ear! Because what I discovered is that this person was simply responding adequately to the situation. This is important to me as I continue my journey. Responding adequately to a situation does not mean weak. I wonder why that words came to mind. Because ultimately responding adequately to a situation is amazing.
Another cool thing about responding adequately to a situation is that the outcomes are limitless. Did you hear me? When I’m “in love” or something strange like that, I’m limited to a particular way of loving or experiencing. And this is only because love has been boxed up by professional so they can make a buck or two. But as I respond to situations, I have a million thousand hundred trillion ways I can respond. But, I can only respond in ways that I know. Therefore, it’s important that I surround myself with humans who are not like minded, but with humans who can show me new ways to respond adequately to situations. Yes. I need to learn new ways to respond to situations so I can adequately respond to every situation. And now, this is relationship. Relationship is responding adequately to each situation.
And, this only gets better. Because now that I’m responding adequately to situations, I’ve also removed the habitualness out of my life. Right? Because when I form habits it creates a sense of matter in me and less light. As I respond adequately to situations I’m able to move beyond habits and learn new ways of responding adequately which in turn will allow me to become more light and less matter. As I continue my journey in the universe I’m going to quit trying to be something that isn’t real. No reason to be a noun. Why do people seek that? Quit looking for things that aren’t real….and begin responding adequately to each situation! Yes yes. Let’s do this. Join me in responding adequately to each situation! Join me in building relationships!
A slice of...
A slice of...
November 5, 2018
Heaven? Paradise? Utopia? Ah, I looked up the definitions and it seems that “heaven” and “paradise” are presented as reality. And I’ve never experienced either of these. Since I have not seen either of these places then they’re not real to me—right? I’ve never seen heaven. Or paradise. Have you? Ha! Ok…so maybe heaven and paradise are illusions. Maybe they’re places that somebody created in their mind in order to look forward to something after death. Whatever the case may be, I’ve never experienced either, so to me, at this point in time, heaven and/or paradise are not real.
So, I’ll go with utopia. A slice of utopia though? Actually, it was not slice…it was the whole damn thing! Yes! The definition of utopia uses the word “imagined”. Ha. This cracks me up. Because I think I can actually see, feel, taste, smell, touch and experience utopia. Yes, yes. And anybody can experience utopia. It’s a state of mind in which I experiencing realty. Yes it’s real. Utopia isn’t imagined or an illusion. It’s real! It is. And I experienced utopia this weekend. Yes, yes I did. It was amazing. It’s hard to describe the experience of this reality in words…I’ve tried all weekend…so I’ll try one more time. Sometimes there aren't words to describe something...so society creates a new word. I'll not touch that one now...but a clear example of a word that isn't real that is thrown around all the time: love. Ha. I won't make up words to describe my utopia...I'll use my limited vocabulary to explain it....
What did I see that made this real? I saw some cool shit. Bright lights flashing and twisting and turning. Everybody shaking their booty with everybody. I saw adequate responses to situations: hugs, kisses. I saw humans enjoying humans. I saw smiles; I saw happiness. I saw beauty. I saw things I’ve never seen before. It was amazing….
What did I hear that made this real? I heard sounds I’ve never experienced before—sounds that vibrated to my core…I could feel the sound envelop my entire body. I heard laughter. I heard languages I could not understand. It was beautiful. I heard humans responding to one another adequately. I heard beauty.
What did I taste that made this real? Ah, so much. I tasted the air that surrounded everybody in the utopia. I tasted happiness with smiles. I tasted joy. I tasted music. Yes, yes I did. It was beautiful. I tasted things I’ve never tasted before.
What did I touch that made this real? Ah, I didn’t particularly touch much…but what I did touch can’t even be explained with words. I touched music vibrating around me. I touched people responding adequately to one another. It was beautiful!
What did I smell that made this real? The smells were beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I smelled humans. I smelled dancing. I smelled music. It was glorious. Mostly, I smelled adequate responses to the situation. Un-fucking-believable. Yes yes it was!
So, now you may think I’ve lost it. But no, I haven’t lost it. I’m simply seeking reality. And in reality, I can experience utopia. I’ve never believed utopia could exist because I’ve been taught by society (which is also me) that it’s not real. The very definition calls it an "imagined" space. But heaven isn't imagined? Ugh. Anyway, what the heck? Why would I not believe I could be in this space in which everything is perfect? Oh, because society would rather create hospitals…spaces where things are ill. Society has created more spaces for the ill than spaces for utopia. Maybe because they make money off of that shit. Not much money in my utopia. You can create your utopia too. It won’t be where my utopia is…but it’s real. You are in control of taking yourself there. You can create your utopia…or you can create your hospital. Where would you rather exist? For me: I want every minute of every day to be a utopia. The perfect place to exist. I’m there all the time. Join me. Find your utopia today. Mine will be different daily…but it’s real. I’m choosing to exist in my utopia and not in the hospital. Yeah! Let’s rock it today. Respond adequately to each situation…you will find your utopia! And you can live it everyday, all day! Peace, love and wholeness!
November 9, 2018
The universe continues to remind me that I am not in control of squat diddly! It’s a beautiful lesson I’m continually reminded of as I navigate my journey. And this journey, my journey, is a most beautiful journey. As I am continually reminded that I do not control anything I am flooded with an amazing sense of pure freedom. I feel light. I feel free. It’s beautiful. As I navigate I am aware of this control…and if I’m not aware of it, the universe reminds me by applying this crazy pressure on me. And as soon as I realize what’s happening, I let go (I quit controlling) and the pressure fleets. The universe is right!
Last night as I was hanging out with the universe, there were a ton of birds flying around. It was amazing. If I could be anything in life, it would be a bird. Well, actually, if I could do ANYTHING in life it would be to sprout some wings and then fly around as a "Flying Troy"! Ha ha. Anyway…I saw a lot of birds flying high in the sky. My first instinct was to grab my phone and see what the internet says about it. Right? How is the “bird” connected to energy and how is it my spirit animal, etc. etc. Well, at this particular time in space, I purposely did NOT take my phone with me…so as frustrated as I was without having my phone (and instant access to other peoples thoughts--ugh!), I was also relieved because I didn’t have to find a thought that somebody else had. Right? So, I was able to sit with the beauty of the universe and I was able to just be with the birds. I did not and have not looked at any resource (i.e., the internet) to see about birds. You know what though? Here’s what I came to know: The universe provided me the birds to remind me that I do not control anything. Just as these birds fly freely high above the universe, I can too. I can. But as long as I’m being held down by my controlling efforts, I’ll never be able to be free and fly like a bird. The birds were mostly flying in flocks. One flock of birds had 7 birds turn east…the rest of the flock continued on south. A few moments later 9 birds came flying from the east and when they got to the space they broke off, they turned south. Seems like those 7 went and got a few friends with them. It’s so beautiful. Another reminder that as I let go I will find. Ah, this becomes more beautiful each moment.
Seem like not controlling things should be so easy…but it’s amazing how many things I hold on to or try to control. It’s unbelievable. I’m working on being aware of this. Sometimes I’m not aware and when I see myself going there…it’s time for a deep breath. Again, it’s beautiful! I have to remember to breathe!
You see: what will happen will happen. And it will happen no matter if I want it to or not. And, it will happen rather I don’t want it to or if I do. Ha. There’s certainly a bit of a difference between the two. Today I will navigate my journey and today I will be free. Yeah. Nothing can hold me down. Nobody can hold me down. I am free! It feels so damn good. So damn good!!
One way to see
One way to see
November 12, 2018
Could it be that I’m still the same as always but I see everybody else’s real reactions. Right? Like I usually move around so quickly I don’t actually see reality. And since I’m moving so quickly, I create illusions of what I think I'm seeing. It’s fucked up. Whatcha think about that??
Seriously. In some spaces people laugh. In other places they adore. Some spaces laughter and adoration exist. And in other spaces so so much more exists! So much more…
I wish words could describe this shit. What is real? What I’m seeing, or what I’m typing? What about that? And, am I alone? Or am i surrounded by my illusions. Can I change this just with my mind. Yeah. I can. I can!
Who made me believe that those are balloons? And why did and do I believe it? Why do I believe this second floor ain’t gonna fall down? Right?
I just saw this situation that many other humans experienced simultaneously. It was awkward. Then somebody explained the situation to somebody else—so now it’s a big fat story. Oh. It began as reality and then as it was told it became a story. Because the telling is never the actual, right?
I just observed the reality of reality becoming a story. It’s so weird. But so beautiful. Shall I hold the reality or the story? But now what is the reality? Oh there is none.
Because as soon as I can’t experience it, then no longer can it be reality. It simply becomes the story.
So what will my story be? Who will be in it? Will I be in it?
Or, does the story even matter? Because now it's become the past....
Seeking relationship (now closed). HA!
Seeking relationship (now closed). HA!
November 13, 2018
I often find myself looking for “relationship”. I search. I’ve searched. I’m searching. And then it came to me: I’m searching for something that I’m surrounded by. I do not need to look anymore! I don’t need to search. I just need to see. Once again, the universe reminds me: slow down. The universe reminds me: look. The universe reminds me: just be. I only need to look and see the beauty I am already surrounded by: the thousands of relationships that already exist in my life.
I was looking for somebody I could share my day with; looking for somebody I could share my life with. I was looking for “relationship”. And then I realized how silly it is for me to be looking for “relationship”. I don’t need to look for this. I am already fully engulfed by relationship. I see over 100 learners a day. I can work on responding adequately to each learner. I’m surrounded by 85 colleagues. Again, I can work on responding adequate to the situations with my colleagues. I’m surrounded by family—I can work on responding adequately to the situations that arise with my family members. Yes yes! There are thousands of peeps I can share my day with, my life with. It does not have to be one person that I’m searching for. Oh gosh. I was limiting myself. And now, I’m expanding the horizon.
I do not need anything else in my life. Ha ha. I can barely handle me now. I am complete—right here, right now. I do not need anybody else to complete me. I don’t. I am mentally complete. I am spiritually complete. I am physically complete. I am whole. Yes. I am whole. I do not need anybody or anything else to make me whole. I am whole.
November 14, 2018
Not for pain?
Not for pain.
yes, for growth
Not for pain?
Not for pain.
yes, to prepare
NOT FOR PAIN?
NOT FOR PAIN!
yes, to experience and learn
oh, not for pain!
for pure joy
not for pain….
only for wholeness.
November 26, 2018
If there was no sunshine
would there be a moon?
would there even be stars?
If there was no sunshine
would we exist only in the dark
or would we even know that
darkness was actually that?
If there was no sunshine
would you see me?
would I see you?
Oh, the energy of the sunshine
the moon & the stars.
November 30, 2018
You see. You see.
There is no tomorrow.
Actually there is no today.
No right now.
So as I live I’m not looking.
There’s no need to look.
I’m going to just be.
See what there is for me.
December 10, 2018
Dancing. All. Alone.
Sometimes with my
Sometimes with my
When they’re opened I
lose the beat…
When they’re closed I’m
dancing with THE most
But when my eyes
are opened, I’m focused
on me. I’m moving too fast.
Slow down. Slow down.
I see what is in front of me.
I see it. Relationship.
I got you!
January 14, 2019
Before i reach out
i decide i cannot.
Before i answer about
how good life can be,
you give me the answer.
All i can think of is
how doing that twill make it worse.
i get it now.
answers for me.
i see how good life is: